How to become a nun - especially if you dont want to.

This post is really a confession - a revealing of a deeply private desire that I've never dared speak of, not to anyone, ever. I've obsessed over it, looked for books on the subject, and once the internet arrived, have constantly looked for information about it, even though I feel it is inappropriate for me to do so. Ok, get your mind out of the gutter.

I have constantly wondered about becoming a nun.

Before you brush that off as a harmless, if misguided, obsession, consider this - for it is a lot more alarming than you think.

I despise authority, don't like rules, have a problem with teamwork, cannot work well with women, and to cap it all, am not religious.

In fact, I have a marked distaste for organized religion. Moreover, I don't exactly have stout belief even in the very existence of god. Even when I sit down in private, lay pretensions and perceived "coolnesses" aside, breathe deeply, and ask myself in all honesty about faith, I draw a big blank.

Yet, since early childhood, I've greatly enjoyed all things spiritual, have participated in temple visits and poojas with nothing but glee, all the while carrying nothing less than unflinching devotion to what can only be described as atheist dogma.

It is not that I am slave to reason either. I have no trouble relating to karmic theories, soul journeys, auras, energies, vibrations, telepathy, ghosts, djinns and ectoplasm. These seem OK, but God, hm.. sounds like a stretch.
Speak to me of spirits, and you'll find an absorbed listener. Speak to me however, of god, and you will be riled and ridiculed.

Which brings me to my second point - one major roadblock in my path to god is, interestingly, his gender. You see, I hate to sound sexist - I am not one, and my closest friends are men, but I don't work well with male power figures. I am not feminist either, but it is this whole Alpha-Omega personality thing, stuff for an entirely different post. So, to begin with, if I have to believe in him, at a very minimum, he will have to be a she. An indulgent mother figure, not too skinny, if possible.

A male, especially the type that I'll be required to pledge allegiance to if I am to become a nun - a cantankerous old patriarch prone to fits of jealousy and righteous rage, who will not hesitate to toss you into hellfire for the slightest of altercations? No, thank you, I think I'll pass.

If you are wondering whether I pray, sure I do. Of course. Who doesn't. Strictly on a need-only basis, though.

Now, coming back to the monastic life. Since my earliest years, or at least ever since I heard about monks and such, I've been wanting to be one. However, given my compatibility issues with the convent, I've toyed with the idea of becoming a buddhist nun - but it doesn't do it for me. Totally lacks the umph. Moreover, orange is just not my color.

And if I did take my vows, I still wouldn't want to be a "sister" - a community worker scrubbing hospital floors, no sir. I would want the cloistered life - seclusion, big old stone buildings, kitchen gardens, silence...

I can see that it is really the serenity of the cloister that attracts me - I am fascinated with the occupations that monks indulge in to keep themselves busy - home baked bread, oil presses, keeping honeybees, making jams and preserves... There is something about the calming routines of the cloister that enchants me.

Hm... all said and done, there seems to be no immediate danger of me ending up bald in a habit. At least not as long as they continue to make sangrias and oh, sleep number beds.